Even though this blog might not completely show it, fashion has always been a huge part of my life. It's the reason why I started my tumblr, to share my personal style and to find others who inspired me as well. That's how Amaze in Style came to life, because it was just about that - style. How did makeup consume my blog, you ask? Very easy: my body confidence hit an all time low soon after I started this blog.

I've always had a bit of a body complex, even as a child. I was always the chubby girl, the one people teased for how round her cheeks were or how big her stomach was. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about the way other people treated me - it wasn't their fault I weighed as much as I did and I certainly didn't eat more because of their mean words. It just reinforced the same idea over and over again: you're fat. As if I needed a reminder!

It only got tougher growing up. In my teens, I struggled fitting in, because I was still too self conscious of the way I looked, especially when I started comparing myself to other girls my age. Never do that, please. It was my first mistake, to start wishing I could be like other people, since no one is the same - and I speak as someone who has a sister half my size, both in height and weight. If someone who shares my genes looks nothing like me, I should have never ambitioned to be like people completely foreign to my own person. So, please, if you're going through what I did, stop comparing yourself to others. You'll be a whole lot happier if you focus on yourself instead.

My lack of confidence got to a point where I never wore tight clothes and I was sucking my stomach in as much as possible during the day - to the point where I did it without even realising it. Now, don't worry, this post isn't heading where you may think it's heading. No, I didn't develop any kind of eating disorder or anything like that. Instead, my body confidence kept deteriorating and I dreaded being weighed in P.E. classes, knowing I'd be so above average in comparison with everyone else. Even as my growth spurt hit and I suddenly became 5'7'' (1.70 meters for my fellow European peeps) it didn't really help. Sure, all the fat was making its way somewhere else as my body grew, so I didn't look as chubby as before, but I was still overweight and I hated it. I hated not being able to wear crop tops like other girls. I hated having to cover my stomach with my arms crossed in front of it while out on the beach.

The worst part of it was the fear of being teased. Of being called fat and having people laughing at me. It's pretty hard to enjoy your time on the beach with your family when you're constantly thinking whether or not your love handles or your fat rolls are showing. It's even harder to go out shopping for clothes, knowing half the stuff will be too tight, the other half will look downright weird on your body shape, and in the end you leave the changing room frustrated with not only yourself, but also the fashion industry altogether. Because even though you're not obese, you still can't find clothes that fit nicely if you're overweight. You're either a size 34 or you're too big for most clothing stores.

Despite it all, I still loved fashion. I had so many bloggers, youtubers and also celebrities whose style inspired me to dress better, but none of them had the same body type as me, so I was only wishfully thinking at that point. That's why I sort of gave up on fashion, because I also felt like it gave up on people like me, who are looking for clothes for a pick me up, not a cold reminder of how inadequate they are in comparison to everyone else.

I pretty much started wearing only baggy knit sweaters, that went down to my mid thigh, so that it hid my stomach altogether. I avoided shorts like the plague and I even stole a considerable amount of baggy sweatshirts from my younger brother, who was also overweight for his age (he's doing much better now, lost almost 20kg). I was wearing what hid my imperfections the best instead of working hard to change my outlook on my body.

I know a lot of you will think: why didn't you just go on a diet? Why didn't you exercise? It's easy to sit around and mope about what you wish you could have, but you didn't really try to get healthier, did you? The truth is I'm not an athletic person. I'm not using my lack of coordination and stamina as an excuse. But years of being mocked in P.E. classes for not being able to run for as long as everyone else, for truly sucking at basketball and other sports to the point where people are yelling at you and blaming you for their team losing doesn't exactly promote exercising to me. I truly hated team sports the most, because I felt like I was always the dead weight and no one was willing to teach me and help me improve. It was so much easier to blame me for the team's loss instead. Solo exercises weren't as bad, I actually quite liked dancing and overall warming up exercises, but just the thought of joining a gym so I could run a treadmill at a sub par pace, to imagine everyone in that same gym looking at me as if I didn't belong there -  that was my biggest hurdle to overcome.

So yes, for the longest time, I refused to exercise, due to past experiences and current social anxiety. It finally took one hell of a P.E. teacher in my senior year of high school to shape me up (and I'm still ever so thankful to that woman for knocking some bloody sense into my head and those of my fellow classmates) and helping me lose 10kg. It was a great start, don't get me wrong, but it was nowhere near the finish line for me. In case you're wondering, back at my lowest point, I weighed 75kg. Now, some of you might not think that's such a big deal for someone who is 1.70 meters, but on my body structure it was. I had fat in all the places I shouldn't have and lacked in the places I'd love to have some (aka my flatter than pancakes bottom).

But the real question still remains: why choose makeup over fashion? I always loved writing and I didn't want to give up on this blog, so makeup seemed like the next step. In it, I found the kind of acceptance I couldn't find when I wore nice clothes. The good thing about makeup is that it's universal - sure, I may be too fair for some brands foundations to work and we don't all contour with the same shade, but there's options and your makeup can look on point, no matter what your gender, age, body type is. Makeup allowed me to stop feeling crappy about my weight and start focusing on the features I liked and wanted to enhance instead. It was a breath of much needed fresh air.

In case you're wondering, I'm currently 65kg. Yes, the same weight I was back in my senior year. I'm still not one hundred percent happy, I do still want to lose a bit more weight and especially tone my body, but for now I don't feel the need to cover my stomach with my arms when I'm down to a bikini - so that's an improvement! Since I'm not in highschool anymore, I can't rely on my trusted P.E. teacher to help me work out, so instead I'm relying on my mother, who is amazing at motivating me to do better - plus it gives me a chance to hang out with her more often. Overall, I'm happy with the path I'm taking and I'm excited for Summer to arrive, because I usually eat the healthiest when the warm weather rolls up.

But the question remains: have I given up on fashion altogether? Of course not. In fact, I'm hoping to start bringing fashion back into the blog, one way or another. As soon as I feel confident enough to start posting OOTD's again, you can be sure I will! I never intended for this blog to be solely about makeup and I still want to keep that oath to myself. Of course, this doesn't mean I'll stop writing about makeup altogether, especially since it's not a major part in my life, but I hope to bring back some more diversity into Amaze In Style. Even if my fashion posts never attracted as much attention to the blog as the beauty posts did, I still want to write them for myself. I want this blog to be something I'm proud of, so it would be unfair to neglect my fashion side for analytics sakes. So stay tuned, a lot more fashion coming your way in the near future!

I hope you all enjoyed this post (if you managed to read through all of this, you're awesome). I just really needed to get this off my chest. If you're stuggling with body confidence, please know I'm here if you need someone to talk to. You shouldn't have to go through it alone. And if you have your own thoughts or stories you'd like to share about this topic, feel free to do so in the comments below.