My Fashion Break Up Revisited (3 Years Later)

by - 18:56


 Over three years ago, I wrote all about my struggle fitting into a very specific mold that all clothing stores seemed to cater to. I wrote about how poorly I felt about myself, my weight, my whole body, actually. It was an extremely intimidating thing to open up about, more so because it forced me to talk honestly about the way I had always felt about myself. It didn't bother me to write about it for anyone out there to read, I knew opening up would be cathartic for me, but also helpful to somebody out there who felt the exact same way I did. I wasn't in the best place, physically or mentally, but the feedback I got from that post really cheered me up for a while, at least. That post is the closest I ever got to talk about mental health on this blog, which is a topic I want to dive further into in the future, since it's so close to my heart.
 
It came to me, as I was scrolling through my old posts, this post in particular stood out like a sore thumb. Three years later, I had a change of heart about myself and my body. It didn't happen overnight, it didn't come as the grand finale of some new age romantic comedy like Isn't It Romantic? I guess it was one of those changes that just naturally rolls in as you get older (and maybe a little bit wiser?). Maybe it's the fact that the Jonas Brothers are back, but I was suddenly confronted with the shocking reality that, maybe, my assessment three years ago was completely off. As I'm currently once again obsessed with Sucker (it's seriously taking over all my playlists, I might need professional help), I started mulling over my teen years and my perception of reality back then. I realised that perception might have been distorted and I never truly realised it before.
 
Three years ago, I wasn't lying when I poured my heart out on that post. I firmly believed in everything I said. To me, back then, it was reality. Nowadays, I'm not so sure. I was really annoyed by this, it kept nagging me, so I had to do some research to make sure I had my facts straight. So I dug deeper and started searching for old pictures of myself from when I was a teen, in the hope I'd confront them with what I had engraved in my mind. Mind you, photos of me from back then are a rare thing to find. For the most part, I hated taking pictures, especially because I never felt they looked like they should. I wasn't happy and I didn't really want to take pictures to save that to reminisce later on. I didn't want to remember the way I looked or felt back then. Thankfully, that had also been around the time I had begun posting on Tumblr, in a time when every style blogger out there was posting OOTDs, so naturally I did the same. So there were still those pictures out there, hidden underneath thousands of other posts.
 
Now, I have to be frank with you guys: back then, all of these outfits (ok, maybe not all of them, but the great majority) were ridiculously staged. Honestly, most of the pictures had really cute outfits I just put on for the photo and then quickly traded for a baggy knit sweater I could hide my figure in. The outfits don't reflect my state of mind back then, but they did serve their purpose - they showed me how off I was in my head about the way my body looked back then. It's frightening to be confronted with pictures of myself from back then. Not because I looked worse than I thought, but because I looked better than I ever believed myself to be back then. I was in disbelief as I saw my body in a completely different light, to the point where I was having doubts it was even my own body from way back when. It didn't look like me, it didn't feel like me either. It wasn't me, or at least the idea I had of myself back then.
 
Naturally, I turned to my mother for a reality check. I needed a third party perspective of myself, of all those years I spent loathing myself. Obviously, my mother isn't really neutral when it comes to this topic, but I can always count on her to be mostly frank, especially with these kind of topics. She perused all of those old photos, teased me for not dressing anything like I did in the photos (outfits she actually preferred over my baggy ones, which she not so secretly hated), but overall she simply came to reinforce what had dawned on me: the idea I had of my teenage body had nothing to do with the real thing.


Sorry for the low res photos, but trust me, back then I didn't have the budget for either a nice phone or a nice camera, so crappy 5mp resolution was all I had to work with! Honestly, looking back at these photos, I felt so detached from them? I remember taking all of them, the way I was feeling, what I was doing, but I don't remember looking like that. I don't remember not having to worry about my stomach fat. I don't remember not hating the way I looked, even though I hate nothing about the way I look in any of those photos. I'd like to tell myself I'd act a lot more confident had I realised I looked that way, but I know that's not true. Honestly, I truly do believe everything ties in with my lack of confidence, in my body and myself, I suppose. Maybe that's why, nowadays, I don't feel as self-conscious as I did back then whenever I walk into a changing room and why I never leave empty handed like back then.


It would be easier to tell you I lost weight or worked out and that's why I gained more confidence in my body and myself. That I ate right and did everything to become healthy, both physically and mentally. Sadly, I can't summarise everything I went through to get here just with that. If I'm being honest, I did almost none of those for most of the past three years. I only started going regularly to the gym this year, I still hardly ever eat the way I'm supposed to. I don't think that has anything to do with the change I went through. Back when I was a teenager, I wanted to look like everyone whose style I fangirled over - Eleanor Calder, Danielle Bernstein, Kendall Jenner. I wanted to be skinny.

Being skinny had nothing to do with being happy. In those photos up there, I was a size 40 (EU) or an L in most stores. My size still hasn't changed to this day. I didn't grow thinner, if anything I'd even admit I've grown thicker? I'm curvier than I was as a teenager, I still have some extra pounds around my stomach, my thighs are stronger as well. I'm going the opposite way of what I set out for my body when I was younger, but for the past three years I've grown a lot more confident. Maybe it has something to do with my influences? Instead of aspiring to have Kendall Jenner's body, I now take style inspiration from people like Sierra, Lucy, Karina, Holly and many more midsize girls who are out there spreading the body positive vibes I desperately needed in my life! Whatever it was, I'm happy I'm in a better place right now. Also, in case you were wondering, I actually gained like 5kg in muscle since that old post, but I'm happier, so who actually cares how much I weigh anymore? I sure don't!

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